


Myosotis

by yamahibi



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route Spoilers, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Some angst, also nb byleth, it takes place right after ch 17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-11-02 07:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20672123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamahibi/pseuds/yamahibi
Summary: War is tough and grief effects people in different ways, but it is not something that has to be done alone. Felix and Sylvain both have to learn that with each other's help after they lose two people close to them.





	Myosotis

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my own run, which I didn't manage to recruit Ingrid in time, which is why she died too... I was inspired by Felix and Sylvain's dialogue after the battle and how guilty the two sounded, and this was the result.

It had been five days since the professor had told Sylvain that Dimitri and Ingrid were dead. In those five days Sylvain had practically memorized the way his ceiling looks. He wasn’t sure if that was exactly an accomplishment, but it was preferable to study the ceiling instead of letting himself drown in his own thoughts.

Guilt seemed to claw at his chest no matter where he went, so it was simply easier to stay in his room. At least here there was no worries about anyone giving him those sickening pity looks. It was even worse than the looks he had gotten after Miklan’s death, at least with those it was obvious that people didn’t feel bad for his ‘loss’ as much as they felt bad for the shame his brother brought on his family. The looks people gave him now though were genuine pity. He could have sworn that some random soldiers had said poor thing as he passed by to get food. It was irritating. No matter how outwardly he had kept up all appearances, their sad gazes didn’t stop. 

Rolling over he began to stare at his wall instead, a sight which he had also become rather familiar with as he sat alone with his thoughts the past few days. The barren wall offered the same amount of comfort as his ceiling, which was none. He debated on picking up one of the many books Ashe and Annette had picked out for him, but he knew just like the other times he’s tried to read this week none of the words would have stuck and he’d end up rereading the same page for hours. 

Losing someone close to you is supposed to feel dramatic or at least that’s what Sylvain thought. In the stories he used to read it was always a substantial event, it was always rainy, there was always yelling in anguish, followed by chasing after the enemy and some kind of large scale battle against those the main character swore revenge on. While him and Miklan were the exact opposite of close it still had just about every element that would make it seem like a storybook moment. But the day he was told the only thing notable was his teacher’s frown, they had waited until the day after the battle to break the news to everyone. 

He cursed himself for not realizing something was wrong sooner. They had taken a longer route back to Garegg Mach, which Sylvain now realizes was to avoid the Kingdom’s forces retrieving the bodies of his childhood friends. That coupled with the sad looks Claude and Hilda both had been trying to hide from him, and the way they kept whispering between them and Byleth. Though realizing a day earlier would likely not have done anything to ease the dull ache inside his chest. 

Guilt arose once more and left his chest feeling heavy. His lack of an intense reaction had been but one of the factors of his guilt, the biggest being his wish to do things differently. Maybe if he had stayed by Dimitri’s side things would have been different, though a part of him knew that nothing would have changed. If even Ingrid couldn’t bring any sense back into Dimitri likely there wasn’t anything anyone could have done. And Ingird ever the knight would have never left Dimitri’s side regardless of if he had asked. They were at war though, there was little time for thoughts about what could have been.

Before Sylvain could spiral further into his loop of depressive thoughts there was a knock on the door. A voice called his name out from the other side, it was easy to recognize as his teacher so reluctantly he got up and opened the door, plastering on his usual easygoing smile. 

“Teach, what brings you over here at this time,” Sylvain leaned in the doorway, and attempted to assess the mood of his teacher. After spending a considerable amount of time with them the mystery behind their moods lessened some, though that wasn’t to say he was anywhere close to an expert. The only one in the army that seemed to be able to read Byleth’s vague expressions that well was Claude, at least today was a readable day. The slight knit in their brow showed they were worried about something. There was no trace of pity in their eyes either, much to Sylvain’s relief.

“You missed dinner,” Byleth held a tray and pushed a plate of food that rested on it towards him, which he took. Before he could thank them, he noticed the tray also had what smelled like his favorite tea, “We need to talk.” ominous and to the point as ever. Sylvain simply waved them in - not like they wouldn’t have pushed in anyway if it was truly urgent - after shutting the door behind them he sat on his bed with tea cup in hand and offered Byleth the chair by his desk. Not much else he could do in terms of hospitality seeing how basic the dorm rooms were, though it would be out of character for his teacher to care much about things like this. 

Byleth sipped their tea patiently as they waited for Sylvain to eat his food, which didn’t take long considering he hadn’t eaten since early this morning.

“So, what was it that you needed? Advice on asking someone out?” Sylvain waggled an eyebrow in an attempt to lighten things, which only made Byleth’s expression shift into what he had dubbed as the neutral stare of disapproval.

“No, it’s not exactly a pressing issue but I’m worried,” Byleth took a sip of tea and pondered their words for a moment trying to decide how to phrase what was on their mind.

“If this is about me staying in my room I’m fine-”

“I know you aren’t fine,” Byleth’s eyes narrowed just slightly and stared at him with their piercing gaze. It made Sylvain want to squirm having someone so plainly state such things, though they made no further attempt to elaborate. “But, I’m here right now about Felix.” Sylvain felt his expression fall and anxiety coiled in his stomach. 

“Did something happen?” Sylvain asked hesitantly. While he was aware Byleth said this was nothing of urgency, the fear was an automatic response after being at war - especially in light of his recent losses.

“Nothing life threatening. I’m just worried he’s pushing himself too hard. He’s hardly come out of the training grounds since I told him about Dimitri and Ingrid.” The corner of Byleth’s lips twisted into the faintest frown. “I’ve been sending Ashe to bring him food since he rarely comes to the dining hall. I tried sending some others but they ended up getting yelled at for worrying,” Byleth sighed. “Ashe is the only one that hasn’t tried to lecture him, I think.”

“That sounds pretty normal of Felix,” he commented. He wasn’t exactly sure who he was trying to reassure more though, Byleth or himself. His stomach felt as if it were tied in knots, another thing to feel guilty over. The day they were told he had checked on Felix, though all he got in response was an angry ‘leave me alone’ so that’s what Sylvain did. After something this big Sylvain didn’t want to push him about his feelings, especially not knowing how he’d react. There was a chance that if he pushed too much Felix would shut him out completely, which would be the opposite of what he wanted. 

“This is different from his usual. I’m aware people process these kinds of things differently, but I just want to be sure. If anyone knows what goes on in his head it would probably be you, afterall.” 

“Alright, I’ll check on him. Leave it to me teach.” Sylvain’s upbeat demeanor showed itself again, even if Byleth knew he was faking it he felt too vulnerable without it. Byleth stood up and gathered the dishes they had brought in. 

“Sylvain, I’m worried about you as well. I know I allowed you and Felix the week off of duties to grieve, I wish it could be more but...”

“But we’re at war.” Sylvain completed and Byleth nodded solemnly. 

“There are people who want to help you. I only got through losing my father because of help from others, don’t be afraid to do the same,” with that said Byleth put a hand on Sylvain’s shoulder and squeezed, then left without another word. 

“Go check on Felix, huh,” he muttered to himself after a moment. While it was fine and a good idea in theory, his stomach twisted at the thought however. While he was busy feeling sorry for himself Felix had been hurting and he hadn’t done shit about it. Some friend he turned out to be. Now was hardly the time for feeling bad about himself though, if his teacher thought Felix needed help, then he was going to help. He had lost two of his friends already, he couldn’t bear it if he lost Felix too, _especially_ if he lost Felix. After spending some time deliberating what he might say to his childhood friend he slipped on his boots and coat and left.

There weren’t many people milling about as he made his way to the training grounds, he hadn’t even realized it had gotten _that_ late; in the end though, it was good that means less chances of being interrupted. Ever since Glenn’s death Felix had been quick to bottle everything up, he didn’t need him clamming up because someone else walked in. The doors creaked under the force of him pushing them open and Felix didn’t even so much as look up in his direction. 

“If this is someone here to try and _lecture_ me again, I’m fine, leave me alone,” Felix threatened as soon as he heard the doors open, not bothering to stop swinging his sword at the poor training dummy who would soon have to be replaced. 

“Now is that any way to treat a friend,” Sylvain teased as he shut the doors behind him and strode up to the practice weapons rack. He picked up a lance and went through some basic motions with it in an attempt to get used to its weight. Having been used to steel and silver weapons it felt awfully light in his hands, but he got the hang of it again quick enough.

“Let me guess, the professor recruited you as the next sad attempt to tell me ‘it’s okay to be upset’ or something,” Felix stopped and turned towards Sylvain, “Take a good look, I’m fine, now you can leave.” At first glance Felix did look fine, he looked the same as he always did, perhaps a little sweatier than usual, but nothing was noticeably wrong from this distance. It wasn’t until he started walking closer that he saw the bags that had begun forming under Felix’s eyes. 

“Yeah the professor talked to me, but I’m not here to bother you about that-”

“If you came here because you’re lonely, you're out of luck. Find someone else.”

“Would it kill you to let me finish?” Sylvain shook his head and sighed, “I haven’t done much the past few days and need to use my muscles, so spar with me. It’s more exciting than hitting a straw dummy repeatedly anyway,” Sylvain’s white lie slipped out easily, coupled with his smile it hopefully made it all the more convincing. He wasn’t sure what he was going to accomplish with sparring, though it was worth a shot. Felix had always been awful with words, even more so when those words were about his feelings, so maybe he could get him to let off some steam at the very least, or gloat him into some argument that would make him reveal what’s going on.

If Felix caught onto his lie he didn’t say anything, he just huffed and pointed at the otherside of the training grounds with his blade. Taking it as his signal that Felix accepted his offer he went as directed. They both got into their stances and Felix awaited for Sylvain to make the first move.

Sylvain started off simple, he hadn’t been lying about him needing to use his muscles and he needed a minute to warm up. It was just a simple jab that Felix avoided with ease. Felix narrowed his eyes in annoyance and tried to slash down, which was blocked by his lance. 

“Take this seriously,” Felix growled as he went for another slash. 

“I am! Let me warm up!” Sylvain jumped back to dodge, though Felix followed close behind ready to strike again. Despite Felix being the one who told him to take things seriously, Felix hadn’t been doing anything besides simple maneuvers either. Sylvain took this as him heeding to his request to allow him to warm up a bit first, he had always been one to show through his actions instead of words. Their little bout continued like that, being overly familiar with each other’s fighting style left it hard to make an unpredictable move and catch the other off guard. At least that was until Felix made the mistake of leaving himself open so Sylvain took the chance and hit Felix’s side. Such an elementary mistake showed Sylvain that Felix was more tired than he would admit, if he was at his best he wouldn’t have slipped up like that.

“First hit!” Sylvain cheered and relaxed his stance, which in response Felix attempted to attack while his guard was lowered. “Hey! That was low,” Sylvain pouted after he dodged. 

“Then don’t drop your guard,” Felix huffed. Sylvain could feel himself begin to sweat already. Surely tomorrow he was going to end up regretting slacking off on his training the past few days if Felix already had him sweating from beginner level moves. 

Once again they went back to their starting stances and picked up again. When Sylvain wanted to, he proved to be quite the sparring partner especially for Felix, he just barely avoided another string of speedy attacks as he swung his lance and connected with Felix's leg this time. Though Felix's recovery was still quick, and he finally managed to land a hit on Sylvain, causing him to stagger. Using Sylvain's momentary shock he pointed his blade to his neck.

"First win," there was a hint of a smirk on Felix's face as he parroted his version of Sylvain’s earlier words back at him, always quick to try and one up Sylvain, as usual. Quickly Felix’s face fell once more to his usual resting irritated expression, "Though if this were a real fight you'd be dead. I’ll only say it once more, take this more seriously," he muttered as he turned around and went back to their starting positions. Hardly anything else was said through the next few matches besides Sylvain's usual quips trying to elicit some sort of reaction, and Felix being too in the zone to give a response. Sylvain won the next round, and Felix the round after that, though Sylvain was not to be underestimated as he managed to win another round to tie the score. Deciding that was enough for the moment Sylvain decided to sit on the floor for a break, Felix sat next to him and handed him his water bottle. 

Sylvain wiped sweat off his forehead and took a large sip of water. He had almost forgotten how exhausting it was training with Felix especially, he was relentless and knew every opening in his fighting style. Though that was a good thing in a way because it forced him to improve, which sadly was a necessity during war time. It wasn’t that he hated training, but he knew that if he made a habit of it like Felix, people would expect things. That was the last of his worries during the war, but old habits die hard. Glancing out of the corner of his eye he saw Felix inspecting his practice sword with a frown. From this close he could see how worn down and tired he looked, aside from the bags under his eyes his hair was more of a mess than usual. The urge to fix his friend’s hair flashed through his mind and he tore his gaze away. 

“One more round and then let’s call it a night.” Sylvain set the water bottle down and went back to his position where he had set his lance down. To be honest, he was unsure how to broach the subject of their friends passing, so he was content enough with just being the one to force Felix to take better care of himself until he was ready; even if it meant training with him for the next few days. That should be enough to satisfy their teacher, at least he hoped. When he could finally figure out how to approach the topic they could talk it out. It seemed like a solid plan in his head. 

“You can leave but I’ll stay,” his reply was clipped and left little room for debate. For a brief moment Sylvain considered just picking up Felix and dragging him back to his room himself, though he already had an idea about how well that would go. His muscles were going to be sore enough as is, he didn’t need bruises from Felix trying to kick his ass for treating him like a child on top of that. Luckily Sylvain wasn’t one to give up easily.

“If I win, you have to call it a night. How does that sound?” 

“You won’t win,” Felix quipped as he picked up his practice blade and took his place once more. That was as good of an indicator that he accepted as any. This time Felix made the first move and so they began once more. This match was similar to the others where Felix was more aggressive and Sylvain was left on the defensive. As their bout wore on, however, Felix’s movements were starting to slow due to fatigue, so it was easier for Sylvain to parry his hit, using his momentum against him Sylvain managed to stagger him backwards, ending the match quicker than anticipated.

“Sloppy form Fraldarius,” Sylvain goaded as he held the tip of his lance near Felix’s head. “As promised though since I won let’s go, it’s late.” he set his lance on the ground as he stretched his arms above his head. 

“No, one more time. I can’t lose.” 

“Why? Is it so bad letting me win a session at least once?” it was meant in a teasing manner, though the serious look on Felix’s face told him he had chosen the wrong words.

“Yes. Now less talking, more sparring,” Felix pointed his blade towards Sylvain. 

“I’ll spar with you again _tomorrow_ if you tell me what’s going on. Why are you pushing yourself so hard? You’re exhausted.”

“I’m not! If I can’t even beat you how am I supposed to protect you?” Felix’s own outburst seemingly shocked him as much as it shocked Sylvain because his eyes widened and the faintest pink dusted his cheeks. Quickly Felix’s expression fell from shocked to irritated as Sylvain was still trying to process what was just said to him. 

“Protect me? Is this because of what happened to Dimitri and Ingrid?”

“Don’t bring them up,” Felix’s voice was level, but there was a warning laced in his words. Not that Sylvain had ever been one to back down from those warnings.

“Why not? You’ve barely left here, not to eat, and definitely not to sleep. Is this your way of punishing yourself over them?” Sylvain pressed on. While he felt bad for pushing Felix like this, this was what he was hoping to accomplish, perhaps not quite like this, but Felix had never been the sit down and easily discuss his feelings type. So sadly he was going to have to use this to his advantage.

“I’m not. I told you I was fine. You said you weren’t here to lecture me so either drop it or get out of my sight.”

“I would have left it alone if you were taking care of yourself.” Sylvain ran a hand through his hair and sighed, “Felix, let me help, _please_,” he laid a hand on Felix’s arm, but he jerked away in response and turned around.

“I’m done listening to this,” he began walking to the door, at least until Sylvain caught him by the wrist. Even then Felix refused to turn around, all he did was tug weakly a few times to test how much effort it would take to break free. Assessing that it was more effort than it was worth, he gave up. Seeing as it didn’t seem like Felix was going to try and leave again Sylvain let go of his wrist. 

“Do you feel guilty? Is that what this is about?” Felix’s reaction was almost instant. Turning around he dropped his sword and grabbed the collar of Sylvain’s jacket. 

“What do you know about how I feel anyway? You don’t even seem affected by it in the slightest!” Felix snapped. As much as Sylvain tried to control his expression he could feel the pull of a frown forming. Realization dawned on Felix’s features and he looked mortified at his own words. As he loosened his hold on Sylvain’s coat he quickly tried formulating an apology; though, it sounded more like a variety of curses with ‘I’m sorrys’ smacked in between them. 

“Do you really think that little of me?” The hurt was clear in Sylvain’s voice, despite trying to control his tone he couldn’t help it. He could see Felix already regretted his words, and he didn’t want to just cause an argument and make things worse, but that didn’t stop Felix’s words from stinging. 

“No... I’m-”

“They were my friends too, you know…” Sylvain interrupted, “Do you think I haven’t spent the past few days going over everything that could have been different? Do you really think I don’t know first hand how you feel?” 

“Then do you understand that we abandoned them, Sylvain? What if-”

“Felix, we thought Dimitri was dead. The entire Kingdom is _still_ in shambles. There wasn’t anything we could have done.” Sylvain asserted.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have believed that the boar would have died so easily,” Felix countered.

“And then what? You heard him at the start of the battle, he wasn’t the same Dimitri that we knew. Teach said that he didn’t even look at them or Claude like they were people. We didn’t see him during the fight, but if what Claude and Teach said was anything to go on, Dimitri was so hellbent on revenge that not even we could have stopped him… I don’t think anything could have stopped him short of divine intervention. Even fatigued and wounded he chased after them...”

“I know… I know but-” Felix’s voice started cracking. “They were always there for us and this is how we repaid them,” bitterness clear in his voice. “We just left them! And now they’re gone! There had to have been something different… Maybe if I was strong enough...” _maybe if I was strong enough I could have dragged the two of them here myself, were the words he left unspoken._

“Felix, it isn’t your fault,” Sylvain said firmly. He felt Felix’s hands release his coat completely, and his arms fell to his sides as Sylvain pulled him into a rather awkward hug. He felt Felix’s arms wrap around him in response, his hands were clutching onto the back of Sylvain’s coat as if Sylvain would fade away at any moment and the only thing keeping him there was their embrace. “It isn’t your fault, you don’t have to blame yourself. You don’t have to force yourself to go through this alone.” He wasn’t sure at this point who he was trying to console more himself or Felix, but it seems his point hit home, since with that said, Felix started to cry. It wasn’t like the crying he had done as a kid, those loud sobs were traded in for silent ones as he buried his face onto Sylvain’s shoulder. Sylvain could feel the tears begin to soak through his coat, not that he minded. Resting one hand on the small of Felix’s back, Sylvain used the other to undo the mess that was his friend’s hair. 

After slipping the hair tie onto his wrist, Sylvain began to run his hands through Felix’s hair as he cried, just as he had done when they were kids. It remained almost second nature to him even now, despite Felix not doing this for years. It felt wrong to enjoy this closeness because of the circumstances, but it was comforting to him as well to have a moment as small as this, even more so that it was with Felix. These are not quite the circumstances he imagined when he thought about being able to hold Felix again in some way, but any comfort is something that he’ll take, during a war such things were scarce and too far in between to let them go to waste. 

They stayed like that for an unknown amount of time, Felix finally letting days worth of pent up emotions out and Sylvain comforting him. Sylvain felt Felix’s shoulders stop shaking from his sobs minutes ago but he stayed close for a while longer soaking up the embrace. 

Though when Felix finally did pull himself out of Sylvain’s arms nothing could have prepared him for the intense glare he was getting. Which lost all possible menacing power behind it the moment it was followed by a sniffle. Raising his hands in surrender and taking a step back Sylvain said, “Don’t worry, I would never tell anyone if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“No, I wasn’t worried about that, like anyone would believe it anyway. I was waiting for some form of teasing, but it seems as if you have enough tact to not do so given the situation.” Felix avoided eye contact, but with the bite back in his words it seems that he had regained his composure. 

“Sometimes you really do give me too little credit,” Sylvain pouted and sighed, “Now can I ask again if you’re ready to call it a night?” Felix only nodded in response. The knot of worry that had clenched itself in Sylvain's stomach began to become undone, and he smiled. It was a sad smile, but real all the same, "Good. I don't know what I would have done if you kept pushing yourself like this and ended up hurt or worse..." the word Dead hung in the air between them, heavy like a brick. Felix opened his mouth to try and dispel the tension only to be shocked into silence by Sylvain stepping back closer to him and laying a gentle hand on his face that was still wet with tears and likely a puffy mess. Truthfully Sylvain had no idea what possessed him to do this. Perhaps it was just that he wanted to be close once more, as selfish as it is, or maybe it was because Felix was just vulnerable with him so it’s only fair he was too. 

Thankfully there were no mirrors around so Felix couldn't feel even more embarrassed at knowing just how bad he looked. Crying on Sylvain was embarrassing enough, he didn't need to know his appearance as well. This whole scene brought up emotions Felix had thought he had done a decent job at suppressing. He silently cursed himself for allowing these feelings to surface now of all times. He had spent Goddess knows how many years pining and wishing for something like this, but of course when he receives it it's under the worst possible circumstances. He wished he had the ability to read people better, that way he could tell exactly how Sylvain was looking at him in that moment. Reading Sylvain’s moods was one thing, but when he was being vulnerable he seemed to just be a puzzle Felix just couldn’t put together yet. Perhaps it could be mistaken for devotion and affection, but that's not possible, right? Sylvain directing such emotions towards him sounds nothing more than a pure fantasy.

"Felix... don't make me lose you too, okay? I... I don't know what I'd do without you." Even if the words were meant for him, he felt like he shouldn't be hearing it in this very moment. His tone was too gentle and full of such sad adoration it sounded like he was almost on the verge of something more there, but it truly did have to be Felix's own wishful thinking. All he could do in response however is put his hand over Sylvain's and nod. Not trusting his own voice, if he spoke now he risked revealing too much. Not now, the timing was wrong, he would have felt dirty saying anything in the wake of their friends death. Though the moment ended quicker than Felix would have wished and Sylvain’s hand dropped back to his side. 

"Oh shit, I almost forgot," Sylvain's usual attitude returned as he pulled the hair tie off of his wrist and held it out to Felix. “You’d probably be mad if I forgot to give it back.”

“Hmph,” he said as he snatched it and quickly pulled his hair back into a ponytail once more, irritated at the loss of the previous moment. “If I weren’t so tired I would get mad about you messing up my hair instead.”

“Hey, there’s nothing to get mad about, your hair looks good down!” the comment earned him a glare, “I’m not teasing, I mean it!” Sylvain assured. He made an attempt to reach for the hair tie again, only to have Felix bat his hand away. 

“Whatever, come on,” Felix turned around and didn’t wait for confirmation from Sylvain before he started heading out the door. Not that he needed it seeing as Sylvain was close behind anyway. Sylvain sent out a silent apology to whoever would have to pick up their two weapons and replace the practice dummy in the morning.

Thankfully no one was out by the time they emerged from the training grounds, Sylvain would have been horrified if someone asked why he went and made Felix cry. Knowing his luck he would get blamed for it and everyone would be looking to kick his ass for the next week. Deciding it would be best to not potentially wake anyone up to avoid said hypothetical situation Sylvain kept his mouth shut on the short walk back to their rooms. 

When they finally arrived at Felix’s room Sylvain watched as Felix opened his door and stood in his doorway unsure. His face pinched into a scowl as he stared at the ground, after being with Felix for years Sylvain had learned to read this as him trying to figure out how to say something. 

“If you wanted to thank me, there’s no need,” Sylvain shot a charming smile at his friend, which earned him one of Felix’s more affectionate scoffs, that’s a win in Sylvain’s book. It didn’t seem like he hit the mark though considering Felix’s expression remained unchanged. “Felix, you can say what’s on your mind,” Sylvain’s expression shifted from teasing to worried. He stayed quiet for a moment longer, but before Sylvain could call out his Felix’s name once more he answered.

“Stay. With me, I mean. Just for this night,” Felix’s voice was quiet and rushed and he was staring at the floor intensely enough that he was surprised that it hadn’t burned holes into it. It was hard to not be aware of how his face burned with embarrassment. “Maybe it’ll help…” he trailed off unsure if he wanted to dive into this topic at the moment. How was he supposed to just tell Sylvain his dreams had been haunted with images of losing him alongside Ingrid and Dimitri? It would have been impossible for him to talk about how he can still remember Sylvain telling him to live on without him as he died in the dreams. Deciding the best course of action was to deflect attention off of him he added, “it’ll help you. You haven’t been sleeping well either. The bags under your eyes have gotten worse.” 

If Sylvain caught onto Felix’s true intentions he didn’t say anything about it, much to Felix’s relief. In fact he didn’t say anything. For a loudmouth like Sylvain not saying anything wasn’t typically the best sign. _Shit_. Felix cursed himself out, he shouldn’t have asked, he should have just dealt with it like he had been. Reluctantly he looked up at Sylvain to try to read his expression, he steeled himself for the look of disgust he was about to get, they weren’t kids anymore, surely he must have thought his request was childish and wrong. Instead he was shocked to see Sylvain standing there with his mouth slightly agape and his cheeks dusted pink.

“What’s that face for?” Felix demanded. There’s no way something like that made him blush, which meant he was trying to tease him. The thought irritated him, here he was trying to ask for help like Sylvain requested of him and he’s going to poke fun at him for it. 

“Oh.” Sylvain seemed to snap back to reality. The surprised look on his face got replaced by a sheepish smile as he rubbed the back of his neck, “I was just surprised you invited me. Usually it’s always me asking for this stuff.” The honest words caused Felix’s irritation fade and his face heat up again in embarrassment, which Sylvain, of course, noticed. Just Felix’s luck. “Hey are you sure you didn’t make yourself sick from training too much? Your face is all red,” his expression turned worried and he pressed the back of his hand against Felix’s flushed cheek. “You’re kind of warm too, do you need to go to the infirmary?” 

“I’m not sick, don’t treat me like a child.” Felix huffed and turned around. “If you’re going to act like that I’ll just go to sleep by myself,” walking into his room he put a hand on the door to punctuate the threat.

“Wait, wait! Okay! I’m coming.” Sylvain darted in before he closed the door. How predictable this small exchange turned out to be. As soon as he was inside Sylvain quickly removed his boots and set them by the door then made short work of his jacket and gloves. Thankfully he hadn’t worn his whole armor set or this would have been a much lengthier process. Felix on the other hand wasn’t so lucky considering despite just training all day he wore his usual battle outfit. In the meantime Sylvain made himself comfortable on Felix’s bed. 

The last time he was here was after Miklan’s death. As soon as Felix had heard they were to be facing Miklan he - rather bluntly - offered to be there for Sylvain if the worst happened, as someone who had first hand experience losing an older brother. Even though Felix was well aware of what a piece of shit Miklan was, he still offered to be there for him, unlike most people who said he shouldn’t spare any thoughts for a lowlife like him. Felix had known what it was like, albeit it was on the opposite side with Glenn, everyone telling him to not be sad because Glenn died like a knight. Still to everyone else he insisted he was fine, but they didn’t know how he ended up waking Felix up the night after asking if he could stay with him. No one knew that Felix held him that night and let him vent about his guilt, and how he wishes crests weren’t this horrible. Unless Felix told them, not even Dimitri or Ingrid knew about that night and how he slept in Felix’s arms.

Quickly shaking that dark line of thoughts out of his mind he saw Felix had finally finished and he flashed him the smuggest smile he could manage. His smile was the only thing keeping him from going slack jawed at Felix’s hair spilling over his shoulders. The dark strands framing his face and bringing contrast to his fairer complexion only seemed to make him more handsome, if that was even possible in Sylvain’s eyes. It was a rare sight to see Felix with his hair down, a sight he wished he could enjoy more often but he had always been so stubborn about keeping it up, sadly. 

"I already warned you that I'll kick you out, so stop staring like that," Felix warned, though it was obvious he had no intention of actually doing so. Especially seeing as he was in the process of climbing into bed next to Sylvain. 

"You'd just leave me to sleep by myself all alone and cold? Ouch," his words were punctuated by an exaggerated wince and a hand over his chest.

"Yes. Now shut it.” As Felix laid down he left a small gap between them, unsure if getting closer would be crossing a line he wasn’t aware of. Sure they had shared a bed multiple times as children, so it shouldn’t have been a big deal; however, this was the first time Felix himself had ever taken the initiative to invite Sylvain, and they were adults now. When Sylvain had stayed the night during their academy days it was him inviting himself, being the one to ask for such things first felt like uncharted territory. 

"Oh that one was serious... alright I'll stop," Sylvain shook his head. "Come here, you’re going to fall off the bed if try and sleep there. This wouldn’t be the first time we’ve cuddled," The taller man's arm looped around the shorter's waist and pulled him against his chest. The bed was hardly big enough for the two of them, but if they slept like this someone at least wouldn’t end up on the floor in the middle of the night. 

"You're such a pest, always so touchy," Felix grumbled, but he made no move to back off, on the contrary, he wrapped his arms around Sylvain in return, if Felix had noticed the way Sylvain’s heartbeat momentarily kicked up he neglected mentioning it. "If you say a word about this you'll wish you were dead." Though the threat was, mostly, empty. Chances were that even if Sylvain bragged about cuddling with Felix no one would believe him, so there was no reason to worry. He was more than happy to keep Felix’s hidden soft side to himself though.

"And you’re always so quick with the threats." Hesitantly Sylvain brought his hand up to Felix's hair again and ran his fingers through, when Felix didn’t complain or push him away he felt encouraged. This felt so much different from when he was comforting him earlier, it was almost intimate. He felt hyper aware of the softness of the strands that touched his fingers and of the way Felix made no move to distance himself from him. For someone who complains and threatens so much when it comes to receiving comfort his actions sure betrayed him. Again he found himself wishing he could spend these moments with Felix under better circumstances, but he pushed those thoughts aside for now.

"Now this really reminds me of when we were kids... though I guess things can never quite be the same now," a sad smile crossed Sylvain’s face. No longer could he tease Dimitri about giving girls daggers. Ingrid can’t be there to chastise the two of them for getting into all sorts of trouble. The more he thought about how many things he would miss the more that hollow spot in his chest grew. So many familiar things can’t happen anymore because those two were gone. But what he had with Felix remained. As long as he had Felix there was a way and a reason to push through and continue on.

"I’m sorry, for what I said earlier. It was out of line," Felix admitted after a moment. “I know this is difficult for you as well.”

"You don't have to apologize, I already knew you didn't really mean it." Sylvain assured his friend as he continued to work his hands through his hair, the motion proving comforting for not just Felix but Sylvain as well.

“It isn’t your fault either.”

“I know...”

“If this is weighing on you, tell me. I’m not great with this stuff, but you helped me. I want to return the favor.”

“It’s fine Felix. This is what I wanted, no wait, this is exactly what I _needed_.” It wasn’t an exaggeration, though the fact that it came from Sylvain would lead almost anyone to believe otherwise. Sylvain hadn’t realized until now how desperately he craved something as small as this until now. There was no need for dramatic crying or declarations of revenge, he just wanted to feel halfway normal for once. Even if Felix had been diverting attention at the time, he had been right about it helping Sylvain. All he needed was a reminder that his hands could be used for more than killing. That there was more to life than just war, a reminder that he had a reason to fight, so he could protect moments like this. Quiet moments with Felix tucked away where he wasn’t a soldier, where he wasn’t future Margrave Gautier, or some fancy crest bearing noble, but he was just Sylvain. Losing his friends still hurt, it probably always would, but at least for now he can find a fraction of peace.

"And Sylvain?"

"Yeah?"

A short silence followed, Sylvain almost thought Felix had somehow fallen asleep but he was just struggling to find the right words. "You're not allowed to die either. Got it?" he said as blunt as ever.

"Felix..." 

Reluctantly Felix let go to scoot back enough so Sylvain could see his face. He wanted, _no_, he needed, Sylvain to see just how serious he was about this. "You aren't allowed to go anywhere I can't follow. I mean it. I forbid it." 

Again Sylvain touched Felix's cheek and looked at him with that tender expression that made Felix's heart stutter and his stomach flip. He can't recall any other time Sylvain used this expression, not with the girls he tried to woo, not even with Ingrid or Dimitri, maybe this was an expression reserved just for him, even if it might have been just wishful thinking on his part. If there was just one thing Sylvain reserved specifically for him, maybe he could be content with these small moments.

"I know we made that promise when we were kids, but I still mean it. I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I won’t leave you first," the seriousness in his tone convinced Felix enough for now. 

"If you mean it then take your training more seriously," he moved Sylvain's hand off his cheek and took his spot back against his chest. If his hand stayed there for much longer he would have started to get more embarrassed, at least with his current position he wouldn't have to worry about his expression betraying him. 

Sylvain's chest rumbled with soft laughter, "You really are always going on about training." 

“Maybe I wouldn’t have to go on about it so much if I didn’t have to pick up your slack,” he countered

“Hey, I’ll have you know I don’t slack, I just count on you to always have my back.” which was the truth. Sylvain’s fighting style throughout the years had adapted best to compliment Felix’s. As much as he would deny it, Felix was quite the worrywart during fights, he was always quick to take care of any enemies on Sylvain’s blind side. A favor which Sylvain returned naturally. 

“That’s reckless,” he chided.

“Only if you plan on not staying by my side.” 

“Hmph… good night.” Felix knew he had a point, but if he admitted it Sylvain wouldn’t let it go for another hour likely. 

“Wow, you’re just going to leave me hanging… fine, good night, Felix.” before he could second guess himself, Sylvain pressed his lips against Felix's forehead gently and he let them linger there, trying to convey something more than he knew his words ever could. A small gesture that he hoped told Felix at least a fraction of the amount he cares about him. It was both a silent promise to stick around and a way of expressing his gratitude. “Thank you, Felix. For this, and everything else.” Sylvain didn’t expect an answer, nor did Felix give one. He had been too embarrassed to say anything, so silence fell over the two. It didn’t take long before Felix started to drift off, the past few days of barely sleeping were finally catching up with him it seemed. 

Sylvain continued to run his fingers through his friend’s hair until he felt his eyes get heavy. Closing his eyes he focused on the steady sound of Felix’s breathing, it was a comforting thought. Felix was here, alive, and if he had anything to do with it, not going anywhere soon. Treasuring the warmth of the person next to him Sylvain drifted off. That night was the first night either of them had managed to sleep well for the past few days, finally not nagged by nightmares or thoughts of guilt keeping them up late.


End file.
